carpe diem

where to go now?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

submission

This blog started off ostensibly about submission and hasn't progressed very much in that direction. There are reasons for that; my Dom was away when I started it, without his permission I might add, so I knew I ran the risk of him being annoyed that I had strayed outside the lines. Except that it wasn't technically outside the lines, but, I will say that I had a sense that he might see it that way.

So, I should have told him. Except for two things. First, as I said he was away, and while we had some communication during that time, we didn't have much, and I thought he would almost certainly sigh in exasperation, and say "subgirl, not now", and put me on hold, which I hate: both the exasperation, and the putting me on hold.

Second, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it, whether I wanted a place where I could say things I don't say to him. In the rest of my life I am strong, assertive, bossy. I manage things and people. In my relationship with him I am submissive, and he loves that submissive part of me. And although I know he knows the other part is there, and he hears about the other part, and I think kind of admires the other part, he doesn't hear the other part talk about submission or about him. Complicated I know.

And its not that the submission isnt real. It is very real, and I love it and him, but sometimes its frustrating. And sometimes the hottest thing is the struggle of trying to submit.

Anyway, I did tell him. He was mad, said I had decieved him by not telling earlier. I have been punished. And now I am left wondering again, or still, how I want things to evolve.

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