carpe diem

where to go now?

Sunday, July 31, 2016


... and now?

He released me.

I'm devastated.

I'm not coping. Or, I guess I am. I eat, sleep, go to work, try to interact normally with people. I walk around and everything is different.

I'm grieving for a relationship that was huge to me.

No one tells you how to do this in a Dom/sub context.

How to just be dumped by the guy who was my Dom, my Daddy, my Master. My friend. My lover. Who controlled so many things in my life.

I was honest. Open. I gave him all of me. That's what he demanded. And guess what? He decided he didn't want it.


My mind spirals. I'm out of control. I cry. I bargain. I overthink it. I spend hours, days, talking about him with my one friend who knows about him. I don't sleep. I alternate between binge eating and talking myself out of it.

And he... ? Is not the man I thought he would be if and when he released me.

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Release

So what happened?

We fought all the time.

I wanted more. He felt guilty and defensive.

I probably made him feel guilty. I HATE that I did that.

We fought, made up, fought some more.

We stopped trusting each other.

We had one final fight, not a big one. At least I didn't think so.

And we broke up.

He released me.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016


Being back to my blog is strange. It's like prying open the door to an old house and finding that it squeaks and creaks and there are some strange things as well as things I remember with joy.

It's a liberating thought that I can write anything.

That I will see my friends again. That I've missed you.

It's going to take me a couple days to figure things out. I can't even change the look of it anymore.

Can't rearrange the furniture or repaint or wallpaper. Boo.

I've moved some things that were published to a draft format. I might move them back to published in the future. If there's something you notice that is missing and you want to see it back, please let me know. I might as well know what y'all are thinking while I tidy up.

And yes, I have relationship things to share. I'm thinking about those, about where I am and how to tell it while I play with the rest. The rest is easier in a way. It's just technology. And publishing. Not feelings.

Monday, July 25, 2016

I Found My Way Back

I'm back. 

Things are different. 

I missed you all so much. My community that suddenly wasn't. I knew it was important to me, the support. But I don't think I realized how much. 

I used to hate it when bloggers just disappeared. It felt like a bit of a betrayal. I understand that. 

I'm sorry I left. 

I missed having a place to write that was my own. I missed having readers. 

I miss you guys. Every one of you, even those I don't know are there. 

And sorry I didn't find my way back before this. 

I will try to stay this time.